COLUMN | By Sami Zahringer, Nocturnal Submissions

How to Win a Fair Lady’s Favor: Variation 284 (Budget Version)

First find yourself a lady whose favor you are interested in winning.  Start a conversation with her, preferably a witty, pithy, banter-filled detente indicating a meeting of minds that foreshadows a possible meeting of the bodies in both your minds.  But “Hi, I’m Dennis and I’m a Scorpio” will probably do if that’s all you’ve got. You’ll find this budget-friendly variation is adaptable to the quirks of your individual wooing style.

Once you have her attention, you’ll want to keep

it. (This holds for all the Variation packages from 1 through 357. Variations 358 to 390 don’t require the lady to pay any attention to you at all but since they require the administration of powerful drugs these approaches to love aren’t legal in the contiguous USA.) 

Tell her a joke to lighten the mood. Women love men with a great sense of humor. Steer away from body-part jokes if you can. If it’s an emergency and all you can think of are body-part jokes, try replacing the body-part with a badger at the last minute.  The comic effect will be lessened naturally but this is better than falling at such an early fence.

Next, ask the lady out for a meal. Studies show that women love to eat and many do so every day. To make her feel special, pay attention to the small things: open doors for her; bring her a rose; remember to zip up your fly; try not to smell like a breathing pork-pie. That sort of thing. At this point you might want to consider purchasing our considerable list of “Dining Do’s and Don’ts”, available this month at the special rate of $99, OR double your order and add “Moving Into The Bedroom For Dummies” at 30 percent!! off for a total savings of $50!!

At table, you’ll want to showcase your ease with people and familiarity in pairing complex dishes and wines. Ask to smell the cork. Even if she scoffs and says what a load of old tosh all that carry-on is, this will give her a chance to watch your nostrils flare manfully, taking in great gusts of air, thus allowing her to approximate your lung capacity and determine whether you are a healthy specimen she might want to breed with. She herself will be unaware she is doing this, say Studies. 

At some point during the meal, be sure to reach out and lightly touch her hand, while laughing and throwing your head back in delight at her impossible cuteness. Make sure your laugh is booming and manly. Girls don’t like squeaky laughers. Tell her how you love the way the light plays on her collar bone and that when she smiles her nose crinkles so adorably it makes you want to weep. Weep if necessary.  

As the wine flows inhibitions will naturally lessen. This is the time to show her your physical prowess (all these hours at step class will really pay off now!!).

Look around the restaurant for another male of approximately your weight and height. Tell him he is an asshole and his wife looks like his mother. If, in fact, this is a family gathering and she is indeed the man’s mother, insinuate that you have previously enjoyed coitus with her and his sister. Imply it was rubbish.

At this point the other male will leap to his feet and attempt to punch you on the nose. Rip off your jacket and shirt (you will have oiled up earlier in the bathroom) and randomly fling a chair aside. Apologise to any occupant the chair may have as it sails through the air. Within clear earshot of your wooee, offer to pay for their dry-cleaning and a day out at the zoo for four. Women love good manners and generosity even in the heat of battle.  

Punch the other fellow in his nose. He will punch you back. Stagger slightly and touch your hand to the corner of your mouth to check for bleeding. Wince. Wincing men with big shoulders and no shirts on in the middle of nice restaurants invariably bring out nurturing feelings in the female. Don’t be surprised if she reaches out a gloved hand to you and cries “Oh!” 

(This is where your prep work will really come in! Oh, we know it seemed tedious at the time LOL but you’re beginning to see that good dating technique requires good planning, aren’t you? 

Nod to the waiter you will previously have bribed to substitute the restaurant’s ambient music with your own selection. Michael Bublé or Neil Diamond are safe bets here; many customers report success with ‘80s Canadian crooner, Bryan Adams, too. Stay away from polka and Finnish death metal whenever possible. Both are death to seduction, even in a scene of restaurant violence.)  

Quick as a flash tie your tie around your forehead dew rag style. Lower your head slightly and glower at your foe. Say to the lady “This won’t take more than a minute, miss, then I’d sure be pleased to escort you to your door.” Grab the other man, and run with him toward the restaurant’s large glass windows, crashing through them in as slow a motion as you can manage before resuming the fight on the shard-strewn sidewalk. As the other diners jostle at the broken window, reach in your pocket and slip on the knuckle-duster you will have concealed there earlier. Only one more punch should be needed at this point. Your hapless opponent will sprawl unconsciously to the ground. Take a step back and look up to the heavens as if to ask the gods “Why, why must you test me so?” and then do a praying hands, collecting thoughts thing.  

As your lady rushes to your side, which she is sure to do if you’ve followed all the previous instructions properly, lift her up and twirl her in the middle of the road as if she were as light as a daisy, ignoring the screaming ambulances that will no doubt be starting to arrive. 

Whisper gently to her “I did it for you, baby. I did it for you.”  

She will be forced to fall instantly in love with you and you may bed her at the hour of your choosing. For further instructions, proceed to the next module.

Please Note: This approach is only recommended for one particular kind of Woman. For a fuller discussion on all four different kinds of Woman, we recommend our primer-pack “Which Woman?” available through our catalogue.